By the time you read this, the question will have been answered whether or not Major League Baseball decided to suspend Alex Rodriguez and several others due to their use of performance enhancing drugs. Specifically, these players have been tied to Biogenesis.
Frankly, I’m tired of hearing about it. I’m glad that no current players on the Atlanta Braves were linked with this scandal, and hopefully, we can concentrate on the Braves taking care of business for the next few months and win the World Series!
That being said, I can not let this “water cooler” current event pass without making some attempt to satire it in some way to our benefit. Surely there are some “Performance Enhancing Products” laying around our stores that we all should be using.
Performance Enhancing Fuel – SEF94
Fight the aging effects of gasoline and damaging effects of ethanol with SEF94 from VP Racing Fuels. SEF94 is the most dependable small engine fuel on the market, saving you the inconvenience and expense of costly rebuilds while ensuring your equipment will start when it’s needed. Period.
SEF94 is available in three versions:
• 4-CYCLE UNLEADED FUEL
• 2-CYCLE PREMIX WITH OIL (40:1)
• 2-CYCLE PREMIX WITH OIL (50:1)
Each is Ready-to-Use. No measuring, no mixing, no mess – just pour it in!
Performance Enhancing Seasoning – Socks Love Rub
There are hundreds of rubs and seasonings out there, but Duluth’s own Socks Love Rub will step up your game to a whole other level. The only scandal that will come from you feeding your friends and family with this stuff, is that your food will quickly disappear. In fact, you’ll probably want to keep your eyes on your SLR inventory levels. Luckily, we know where you can get some more. We’ll be your dealer.
Socks Love Rub comes in four flavors:
- Original
- Fish
- Chicken
- Salt/Pepper
Performance Enhancing Cleaning – Finazzle
We started selling Finazzle when the company was just born down the street from our Doraville hardware store. Back then, Finazzle was one amazing product, the grout cleaner. Now it is a global name, with over 20 products… but still the same dream of making amazing cleaning products.
Got a mess you need cleaning up… Finazzle will do the heavy lifting for you.
Believe us, you will back up the quality of this product like Aaron Rodgers did for Ryan Braun. You will bet your annual salary that this stuff will clean any mess made.
Performance Enhancing Colorant – Envirocolor
Once you realize that your pinestraw or mulch looks and performs better than it did new with some Envirocolor on it, you might just decide your lawn could use a fresh coat of green too.
Seriously, with Envirocolor color enriching solutions, you’ll stay juiced up even during the off season.
This product isn’t just for the professionals anymore. You can pick up a bottle of concentrated liquid, and keep everyone guessing just how your pinestraw, much and grass is staying new and beautiful year round.
The scouts (your neighbors) will decide that they too should try to salvage their dull and decomposing landscaping. You’ll be a hero to all.
Plenty of Other Performance Enhancing Products
We at Howard Brothers are all about providing our customers with the best products that will enable them to perform better and get better results. We are happy to be the single supplier for all your performance enhancing needs. We’ll stand behind you and not deny our relationship with you.
Together, we can team up and improve your game time stats. Others will see the wins that you produce, and they will seek you out to find out how you did it. You’ll be able to brag about all your accomplishments.
